I’ve no doubt that if it was possible for a virtual blog to collect dust, mine would be a pathetic little pile of dirt by now.  Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about that!

Want to hear a story about squash?  You don’t really have a choice.


Once upon a cucumber harvest, Farmer Yedd was picking out all the ripe greens from his crops.  It had been a hard year, and the Yugoslavian immigrant had spent a modest fortune on the investment of twelve thousand, five hundred twenty-eight tons of cucumber seeds.  Now he walked slowly through his crops to investigate the earlier seasons’ outcome, holding a box in which to put any good products of the vegetable harvest.

Evening came, and finally the farmer arrived home.  He peeked in to the dining room, where the table had been neatly set with napkins, plates, juice glasses, and sporks.  Twelve hungry faces looked up at him.

“What is in the box?” one of the farmer’s nephews piped out.  “Is it something for me?”

A portly, elderly woman sitting next to the boy bopped him on the head with an organic wooden spatula.  “Of course it’s not for you!  If anyone deserves anything around her, it’s me,” she exclaimed with a thick Yugoslavian accent.  “Now son, what is in the box?”

Farmer Yedd sighed.  “Nothing is in the box because there was no harvest.”

“NOTHING!  What is that supposed to mean?”  The entire family went in an uproar, and looked at the farmer with heated accusation.  No harvest meant no money, and no money meant to house (and no lottery tickets, which Uncle Yutuski would miss sorely).

“I hate to break it to you all—and I understand that it might be hard to take—but I would have had a better outcome this year had I decided to plant Mongolian mushrooms.  The harvest stunk.”  He stared into the empty box in his hands.  “I suppose we’ll have to learn to live on little.”

It was another hard year.  Every time cousin Yori wanted to buy a candy bar, he had to remember the family code: to learn to live on little, or “LOL” for short.  Every time Aunt Yolanda craved prickled prunes, she told herself, “Now, Yolanda, learn to LOL,” and nibbled on her wooden furniture instead.  And every time Uncle Yutuski passed by the gas station sign that read LOTTERY in bright, neon letters, he told himself, “No, no, no!  You must resist and learn to LOL!  But then again….just this once couldn’t hurt,” and bought the ticket anyway.

Farmer Yedd went through everything he had that he didn’t necessarily need.  He sold his car in exchange for a bike.  He sold his silverware because he could eat with his hands.  He sold his armchair because sitting on the floor wasn’t so bad.  He sold his clothes because underwear was enough.  At last, after all his sacrifice, he was able to buy a new crop for a very special deal: squash.

Unexpectedly, it was the most prosperous year crop-wise that the farm had ever experienced.  The squashes popped out of the ground like dandelions and were just as numerous.  There was so much squash that the family didn’t know what to do with all of it—and the vegetables seemed to be magical.  They grew and grew until there was no more room among the squash crops.  They started popping up out of the floorboards, piling in through the windows, and raining from the sky!  It was wonderful, but after a while everyone grew tired of the squashes.  Farmer Yedd had already sold many crops and had all the money his heart could desire.  Squash for supper grew quite unpleasant, and the farmer’s family longed for the taste of cucumbers again.

“I’m through with this; I’ve had my fun and now I’m done,” the farmer said one day.  So he collected all the leftover squashes and placed them in boxes.  He placed the boxes on the side of the road for anyone to take freely.  And he went and bought twelve thousand, five hundred twenty-eight tons of cucumber seeds.

Two little girls were riding in their father’s car one bright, sunny day.  They saw the boxes of vegetables on the side of the road and begged their daddy for a squash.  (It was the next best thing to a baby doll, after all.)  So they brought the biggest one they could find home and gave him a face.  They took turns cradling him, feeding him, and throwing him at the wall to see how tough he was.  And they loved their squash dearly.

Back on the farm, the cucumbers didn’t grow.  But Uncle Yutuski won that lottery.


What’s the point?!  There isn’t one.  I just wasted your time, so I hope you are a fast reader.  Haha.  Hahahahaaa.  I guess there is a moral though, because if you try hard enough you can get almost any moral out of almost any story.  Let’s see….

  • Don’t be selfish.
  • Patience is a virtue.
  • If you burden your friends, you won’t have any.
  • Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
  • Look on the bright side.

This is sounding too much like something from Aesop’s Fables, isn’t it?

Alright, so this story does have a point because it is half-true!  Maybe all true—who knows?  Anyway, my little sisters found a squash on the side of the road and took it home to make it their doll.  Here are some pictures.

Meet our dear Mister Squashface.  He turned out to be a real player, if you know what I mean.

Mister Squashface is quite loved indeed.

Just two more things you can learn from the story, okay?  Learn to LOL, but don’t take it too far.  And squashes are magical, and they don’t like to be thrown at walls.

Till next time!!


One Response to Squash!

  1. Mirror mirror on the wall squash squash squash squash please don’t fall!

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